Different, or Even Unequal, Does Not Mean Unfair
I am part of several groups on social media for open and/or poly relationships. People new to poly often ask how poly people don’t get jealous or how do they deal with feeling like it is unfair if their partner gets dates /sex/relationships when they are striking out. I have seen several times where one partner, who hadn't had much luck dating, wanted to close the relationship or have their partner stop seeing someone new until they had found someone to date. Those people in the group who have been open or poly longer try to explain that 1) everyone's luck in dating will ebb and flow and sometimes the shoe will be on the other foot and 2) even experienced poly ppl do feel jealous, insecure, and a whole host of other feelings about their partners dating, having sex with, or having relationships with other people.
This morning I got poked by that bear.
#1, who hasn't really dated since we opened the relationship, has a weekend, Thursday to Sunday planned with a long distance friend with benefits. A full weekend with three nights together. A month from now, #2 and I have an overnight planned. Our original plan was to spend Monday from our respective AM child drop off times until time to go to work Tuesday morning. We were both taking the day off work. Last night I got a message that he just realized his kid has Monday off school so he'll be parenting that day, at least I'm assuming until his ex takes over in the evening, as he still plans on being over Monday night. Also, he can take Tuesday morning off work to spend with me if I can do the same. I hadn't asked off work yet so it's not that big of a deal to roll with it and just ask off for a different day.
But this morning as I was thinking about the last few things to clean or pick up at #1's house before FWB arrives, a little thought started poking at me. "grumble grumble why does he get a full weekend with her and I only get an overnight? Not fair grumble grumble stomp stomp pout pout."
Which wise mind knows is such bullshit.
1) I signed up for the current situation with #2 knowing all the possible drawbacks. From the start, when our relationship was friends with heavy flirting that may lead to a sexual relationship, his side was DADT. As the relationship progressed and deepened in the last almost 2 years (though definitely in the last year), I kept buying the ticket knowing the limitations.
2) While I don't get opportunities of the same length to see #2, I get many more shorter periods to see #2 than #1 does to see his friend. Just because of her distance, he rarely gets to see her and she would need to at least stay over 1 night for it to be worth it, preferably 2. He has also, by his choice, not pursued dating since we opened up the relationship. Currently he is just letting opportunities arise.
3) #1 has rarely begrudged my meetings with #2 and for a very long time now has been very accommodating. My wise mind actually doesn't begrudge him his. I want him to get to have experiences and relationships too. I usually try to make arrangements for him to have free time and space when he thinks something could come up or for a visit from her.
Why didn’t I just bring this up to #1 this morning?
One of the things about dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder is that my emotions tend to be bigger, more extreme, and closer to the surface than other people's. One of the ways I have found to deal with this is to wait to respond to things. While there is a fine line between waiting to talk to someone about an issue and letting things fester, I know that often speaking all of my mind at the exact moment I find out about something rarely works well. I sometimes wonder if #2 and I don't fight as often as I have in previous relationships is because we are often doing it over texts so my face and body language doesn't betray the emotions I might be feeling. He gets the wise mind response, the thing I know is right and how I will feel once I am able to process things, not the tensed jaw and bitchy look I might have in that first moment. In contrast, #1 and I do much of our discussing in person where I can't hide my face and either say something angry off the cuff or am quiet while I get myself together which comes off as distant. Maybe because of who we each are as individuals, talking in text can often come off mangled and sound passive-aggressive to the other one, who answers without checking in to see if that is what the person meant. I have to admit that I am as guilty of this with him as he is with me. I'm glad that #1 slept in a bit, not showering with me this morning, so I didn't have a chance to betray any grumpiness I felt before my wise mind kicked in.
As a coda to this whole situation, none of these things might happen anyway. When I was writing this on Wednesday afternoon, #1's FWB is having nerves about traveling. #2 may not have that night free either because of possible coronavirus-related cancellations.
This is the way this sometimes goes. It is much easier for everything to fall into place properly when there are only two people involved and their life situations. It's more difficult when you add in more people, longer distances, kids, and having to either get the approval of another partner or skirt it entirely. It can be a complicated mess where things don't work out how you want it. This is another thing those who have been open or poly longer can tell newbies. I still wouldn't change it because of the love and autonomy I continue to find and develop here. Even if #1 gets a full weekend and I don't even get an overnight with #2.
[This was written over a week ago. Sorry. I’m still trying to get this whole “write, edit, and post in a timely manner” thing down. It was actually written during the day of Wednesday, March 11, 2020. Since then the many things have changed, both in the world and in my personal life. I will write about that at a future date. The short version is that all the plans talked about in this post have been cancelled.]